some days i want to write…need to write…but i’m drowing – in life.
ever feel that way?
i’ve learned that sometimes a meager few words are all we need to re-open lines of communication with our Savior. today these are the only words i can put together, but i know they are enough…
give me a new heart, Lord.
this one is full of bitterness, impatience, anger, frustration, restlessness…
life feels like drudgery. i’m desperate for joy...looking for it everywhere. you keep showing me glimpses but the darkness takes back over…it’s so heavy…it’s suffocating.
i can’t breathe.
the breath i do have i waste on screaming in anger or sobbing in frustration. i want my breath to be full of grace and gentleness…blowing life into my children, my husband, my family and friends…
when your word says that you give strength to the weary i want to feel it…not just read it. i’m weary…drifting…homeless…i can’t keep up – always behind…frantic…without an anchor…being swept wherever the day’s wild winds carry me. i know you can find a way to steady me here…in the middle of the chaos. steady me. lighten my load.
for days on end the same scenario plays out – sunrise to sunset with no real breathing in between. days begin full of heavy burden, not hopeful expectation. and they end full of restlessness, not peace. take my heart in your hands. open it up that the hard places spill out and the softness returns. give me a new heart, Lord.
From the prophet Ezekiel…
For I will take you out of the nations; I will gather you from all the countries and bring you back into your own land. I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my spirit in you…
{chapter 36}
6 comments:
I know just what you mean. I have been teetering on the edge of these same feelings mixed with a loneliness. A big hug from me to you. I'd love to get together with you for some girl-time fellowship - with or without kids. Want to do dinner or a playdate? Just let me know.
The gift of your blog (and of you if that isn't clear) is your willingness to share your open heart, as it is, without holding back or masking it. For whatever hardness you see, I see humility b/c you are able to share with whoever choses to read, truth. Your truth. Which so few people do. And by sharing truth -- even when it appears ugly to you -- truly is beautiful (I believe) in the eyes of God. Sharing your vunerability here allows others to feel the same, know its okay to feel the same and relate with you, thus being true to those they encounter. Thank you.
As for how you feel; friend, I am so sorry you are hurting and have angst. I don't believe your heart is as angry and bitter as you feel it is. God created a beautiful heart in you and sometimes its hard to see it from the inside out. But those of us looking from the outside, in ... we see it. =) Sending you great big HUGS and lotsa love from Florida my friend!!! You are in my prayers. =) xoxo ~ Jenny
Your words, written and spoken, always have a way or encouraging me. Even in your struggles, God is working in you. Today is a gift, good, bad and ugly. I'm praying you see His presence all around you. That you know He is leading, guiding, in control, He sees, He knows. Be still. Rest in Him. Love you tons!
Your transparency is so beautiful...I love that you let us into that. I've carried a dark cloud around with me me most of my life...it sort of tags along everywhere I go. I see the sunshine and feel the love, but still I have my little could...Like Eyeore, only not so cute. Our Savior is so amazing...when I get really really off and all I have to offer is a little bit of my big cloud, God gives me an umbrella to share with those I rain upon...and He reminds me that without His rain, nothing...NOTHING would grow.
asking for a 'new heart' is a regular prayer for me too--it goes something like this, "god, please give me a soft heart again and take this hard rock of a heart." I love the visual of a soft heart instead of a rock...it always helps me. I am so with you, my friend. I think this season of transition and change brings out lots of dark things, but I am learning that those dark things need to come out. It is all part of the packing and unpacking and packing and unpacking that is going on in our lives. i am with you in this struggle my friend, you hot mess, you!!! love you...hang in there!
I can so relate.
thanks for stopping by my blog :) came over here to check out yours and got sucked down the rabbit hole...lots of lovely writing here. I too overuse the ellipsis (and the em-dash)...and I so loved the paragraph on your "about" page, how "words are the weapons that the good Lord has given me to wage war in the battle for my heart." yes and amen!
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